Pairing: Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto
Rating: R for language, and inappropriate jokes about dildos? Ahem.
Disclaimer. I don't own them, big shocker
A/N: So this is basically inspired by a interview Chris gave at that luncheon he was at the other day, where he basically gushed about working with Denzel Washington. Naturally, Zach must tease him about this.
Beta-ed by sigrundora and the fabulous karaokegal. This fic is 100 times better because of her.
“Is it gay to be totally hot for Denzel Washington?”
The question, unrelated to anything he and Chris had previously been talking about made Zach pause. “No,” he said slowly, “I think there´s a law you have to be hot for Denzel regardless of sexuality. Is Chrissy having his first big gay crush?” his voice turned teasing as he nudged Chris with his shoulder. “How cuuuute.”
“Shut up. You’re just jealous you’ll never be as fabulous as he is.”
“This is true,” Zach agreed. “So how bad is this big gay crush? Are you stocking your nightstand with condoms and boy butter, writing little poems in your diary?” At the sound of Chris’ laughter, he continued in a high pitched voice, “Dear Diary, today Denzel looked at me. It was awesome!”
“I have a big gay crush, I’m not 12!” Chris said, the picture of wounded pride before ruining the effect by punching Zach in the shoulder. “And dude, don’t say ‘boy butter’ to me again, ever. What the fuck is that?”
“Lube?” Zach said, raising his eyebrows in a gesture that plainly said ‘you idiot’.
“Hey, don’t look at me like that! It’s not my fault I’m a simple KY man.”
“Aww poor baby. Your right hand getting that much action?”
“So much that I’ve switched to my left to avoid carpal tunnel. It´s true what they say though, it is like being with a clumsy stranger.”
“That´s so so sad, man,” Zach chuckled. “Go out and pick up somebody, I beg you. I’ll even be your wingman.” Chris shot him a look he couldn’t read before he shook his head no. “What, you don’t want to cheat on Denzel?”
Chris’ expression went back to his shit eating grin as he shot back, “No way man, our love is pure. I’m saving myself.”
Zach turned back to the movie they were watching, though he wasn’t paying it much attention anymore. Chris often jokingly referred to his ‘man crushes’, as he called them, at first Zach had thought he knew about Zach´s not so little crush on him and was teasing, but as he got to know Chris, he had to admit he wasn’t that much of a bastard. Was it possible he was even slightly serious, and he wasn’t as straight as he seemed? The credits were rolling when Chris spoke again dragging Zach back out of his own head. “Plus it is so incredibly cliché to keep your condoms and shit in your nightstand.”
“No, it’s practical. Where the hell do you keep your stuff?”
“There is no ‘stuff’, I keep my condoms in my sock drawer, and I think I have some lube in the bathroom.”
“Uh, Chris? You are officially a girl. I don’t care if you do have a dick, I’m revoking your dude membership.”
“You think you have some lube? Come on. And what, you don’t have a single toy?”
“I don’t need boy butter,” he mock shuddered at the word “and just because I’m not a raging pervert like you does not justify you attempting to revoke my hard earned dude membership.”
“Uh, I hate to break it to you but the fact that you called me a raging pervert for being in the possession of hypothetical adult paraphernalia automatically disqualifies you. Sorry, but you are now the proud owner of a brand new vagina. Use it well.”
“Hypothetical? Please.” With a melodramatic sniff Chris stood up and headed for Zach’s bedroom.
“Chris? What are you doing?” Zach called after him, scrambling off the sofa to follow Chris into his bedroom.
“Just checking how much of a pervert you are, Mr. Quinto.”
“Do you even know the meaning of the word ‘personal’?”
“Nope,” Chris grinned and opened the top drawer of the nightstand.
Zach decided that resistance was probably futile at this point, and leaned against the door jam and just watched Chris’ face as he systematically removed the contents of the drawer one by one. Focusing on keeping a totally neutral expression and trying his best to not think about the fact that Chris was standing by his bed, about to go through his very personal things. After weeks of thinking about Chris is this very position, albeit under different circumstances, the irony was not lost on him.
Matching blindfold and furry handcuffs were the first to come out, a gag gift from a friend. Not that he would tell Chris that. Box of extra thick condoms, half empty tube of boy butter. At that Chris raised his eyebrows at Zach as he deposited it on the bed next to the handcuffs.
Next he took a rather small red dildo and waved it at Zach questioningly. “Prep,” he explained, rolling his eyes at himself at how well he could read Chris sometimes.
The next dildo Chris held up was dark purple and considerably larger. “For all those lonely nights,” Zach told him, laughing as he mimed poking out his eyes. He knew there was only one more thing in there that Chris would find interesting, he straightened his posture and waited for the reaction he knew was coming.
Chris retrieved the last toy and held it up as he tried to figure out what it was. “It´s folded in half,” Zach supplied helpfully.
He grabbed the edges and pulled them up and away from each other and it locked into shape. Chris looked at it, each end was shaped like a traditional dildo with a thick head and veins running down to where it was bent in the middle so it was almost boat shaped. Gasping, he threw it away from him on the far end of the bed. “What the fuck?!” he shrieked, voice rising involuntarily.
Zach couldn’t hold it in anymore and burst out laughing. Chris’ deeply affronted expression wasn’t helping, either. He finally gasped out, “your face! It’s just a dildo, dude.”
“That is not just a dildo! It´s almost two feet long and as thick as my arm!”
Zach laughed even harder, almost gasping for breathe. “Relax, man. Only dogs can hear you now.”
“Then you should definitely close the door, poor Noah doesn’t need to hear this.” Zach showed no sign of getting a grip anytime soon, so Chris continued, “seriously, man. I would be getting fucked by that thing and be able to give a blow job at the same damn time. That is not just a dildo.”
Zach held up his hand in a silent plea for him to stop, so Chris did; taking a few steps away from the dildo that would undoubtedly haunt his dreams from now on, and not in a good way. He finally got his breath back to answer him. “You obviously have much to learn, young Mr. Pine. That dildo is meant to be used by two men simultaneously. You know, at the same time? Are you hearing a word I´m saying?”
Chris’ eyes looked a little unfocused but he wasn’t putting his head between his legs or anything so Zach felt things were going well, all things considering. “Have you learned anything tonight?” He asked Chris, starting to put back the things Chris had strewn over the bed. When he took the black dildo and folded it in two again Chris squeaked and looked away.
“Maybe you won’t be so eager to ransack other peoples private things, hmm?”
Now that the dildos were out of sight, Chris seemed to be feeling better. “Oh I don’t know, this was very ...informative,” he said, smirk back in place.
“Oh yeah? So you’re ready to see the things I keep in a locked box in the closet?”
Eyes widening, Chris scurried out of the room, Zach laughed as he went. “Fuck you, Quinto. God, I need a drink.”
Zach grinned as a plan started to form in his mind. ‘Some things can´t be forgotten,’ he thought to himself.
- Current Mood: nervous